20 Minutes ago in New York, Daniel Craig was confirmed as...See more

In a stunning crossover of high art and high-stakes drama, Daniel Craig—best known as James Bond—has just been announced as the next Artistic Director of New York’s Metropolitan Opera. The news broke at a gala event at Lincoln Center, where Craig, dressed in a tuxedo that could make 007 himself jealous, confessed, “I’ve been sneaking into standing room at the Met for twenty years. Now I guess they’ve decided to put me in charge before I start scaling the balconies.”

The appointment marks a bold new direction for the 140-year-old institution, with Craig promising to “demolish the velvet rope between opera and pop culture.” His inaugural season will feature a Moonraker-inspired Die Walküre with drones replacing Valkyries, a Casino Royale-themed Carmen, and—in his most controversial move—a “Whispered Opera” series where attendees must pass a security pat-down to experience Tosca at 30 decibels. “Opera should have the adrenaline of a Bond cold open,” Craig declared as he demonstrated proper martini-sipping etiquette during La Traviata’s drinking song.

The classical music world is reeling. Plácido Domingo reportedly exclaimed “Bloody hell!” upon hearing the news, while Renée Fleming tweeted “Finally, someone who understands that Brünnhilde’s ring cycle needs more Aston Martins.” Broadway stars immediately campaigned for crossover roles, with Hugh Jackman volunteering to play “a Wolverine Pagliacci” and Lin-Manuel Miranda workshopping Hamilton: The Opera.

Craig’s first act? A black-tie “Spy Night” this November, where ushers will wear earpieces and programs will be disguised as classified dossiers. “If you think Spectre had drama,” he warned with a smirk, “wait until you see tenors fighting over who gets to stab me in Rigoletto.” With Craig at the helm, the Met’s new motto says it all: “Shaken, not sotto voce.”